


Volleyball Nerds Get Drunk

by purseowner333 (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Complete crack, Drunken Shenanigans, I'm so sorry, Kind of Kuroken, M/M, Truth or Dare, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:01:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24780481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/purseowner333
Summary: 'One little comment about how Nishinoya would hypothetically be a lightweight created this whole dilemma. But really, if Tanaka hadn’t wheedled his sister into buying them alcohol none of this would have happened.'In which the Karasuno team all get drunk to prove that Noya's not a lightweight, then the Nekoma team gatecrashes.Truth or dare, nude streaking and drunk texting ensues.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 2
Kudos: 79





	Volleyball Nerds Get Drunk

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS PURE UNADULTERATED CRACK
> 
> i regret nothing

It was Saeko’s fault.

Well, that wasn’t strictly true, but Tsukishima decided to choose someone to blame in advance. After all, as soon as Daichi found out, his idiot teammates would surely all point the finger at him.

He was no longer surprised by Hinata and Kageyama’s stupidity, but he still managed to be dumbfounded at how easily manipulated his senpai were. One little comment about how Nishinoya would _hypothetically_ be a lightweight created this whole dilemma. But really, if Tanaka hadn’t wheedled his sister into buying them alcohol none of this would have happened.

“This is for you, Noya,” Tanaka slurred, pointing at Nishinoya, who was leaning limply against the wall. “We’re def- defending your honor. Against these disrespectful first-years.”

Tsukishima wrinkled his nose. He could have guessed that Tanaka would be a sloppy drunk, but did he have to be so inarticulate? He was only a couple of glasses down and already struggling over words with three syllables.

Hm, maybe it had nothing to do with the alcohol and everything to do with Tanaka being a moron.

“Comon Tsukki – “

“Don’t call me that, Nishinoya – “

“What? Don’t think I can outdrink you?” Nishinoya sat bolt upright, casting a wobbly arm around the circle of people. “I can outdrink any of you!”

The room was filled with all members of the volleyball team, minus Sugawara and Daichi. Their captain would obviously disapprove of the whole underage drinking affair during the training camp, and as much as Nishinoya advocated for Sugawara to join, the others were sure he would agree with Daichi. Asahi was the only third-year present, sitting cross-legged clutching a full plastic cup, looking absolutely terrified.

Well, it would be a shame to waste this opportunity to wind up his teammates.

“The real question is,” Tsukishima began, “Hinata and Kageyama. Who’d outdrink who?”

A loud _oooooooh_ echoed around the room, which was hastily hushed by the more sober members of the group.

Hinata and Kageyama glared at each other.

“Me.”

“Me.”

They answered at exactly the same time, which only served to make them more determined.

“Fill ‘er up,” Hinata said, passing his cup to Asahi. Asahi, as the resident senpai, was in charge of doling out drinks.

“ _Fill ‘er up?”_ Tsukishima sneered, laughing at the blush that spread over Hinata’s cheeks.

“Shuddup! That’s what I saw in an American movie once and he sounded really cool!”

“Safe to say that _you_ didn’t…”

“What are the rules?” Kageyama demanded.

Tsukishima smirked. The King never could resist a challenge.

“I think you should do shots. One by one until the stronger drinker is revealed.”

The room took a collective breath. Yamaguchi made a sound as if to object, but Tsukishima elbowed him in the ribs.

“Ace! Prepare the court!” Nishinoya instructed, pointing towards the space in the middle of the room.

Asahi obediently shuffled to the center, then looked through the grocery bag of goodies.

“Uh, Noya? We haven’t got any shot glasses.”

This threw a spanner in the works. The group scratched their heads, until surprisingly enough, Hinata came up with the solution.

“Why don’t we just use the whisky bottle caps? I’m pretty sure I saw them do it in a movie like that, once.”

“Does _all_ your life expertise come from crappy American movies?” Tsukishima drawled.

Hinata stuck out his tongue in response, and Asahi poured out the shots into two of the bottle caps. Kageyama sat across from Hinata, his face like stone. Tsukishima watched as the two lifted their caps up gingerly – surely, they weren’t going to do it? He’d taken a sniff of the bottle as Tanaka passed it round, and the stuff smelled like hand sanitizer.

“One, two, three – SHOT!” Nishinoya bellowed, before being tackled to the ground by a horrified Asahi.

“Quiet, Noya!”

The pair in the middle of the circle lifted the caps and tossed the contents in their mouths. Hinata’s usually smiley mouth turned down as he wrinkled his face in disgust.

“You have to swallow it, dumbass,” Tsukishima said.

Kageyama, however, had no such problems. His face contorted and he spat the whiskey across the room in a graceful arc, much to the disgust of the group. Hinata swallowed furiously, and Tsukishima watched his throat bob as the shot went down, before making a surprise re-appearance in his mouth again. He flailed blindly for the Coke that Seiko had provided as a mixer and guzzled it.

“I win!” Hinata said, proudly.

“I don’t think you get to be proud of nearly projectile vomiting over us all.”

“Shuddup! Least I did better than Kageyama!”

“That’s true, at least you managed it!” Tadashi smiled, giving Hinata a high-five. Tsukishima _tch_ -ed at the sight.

“I demand a rematch,” Kageyama said. “I wasn’t prepared before, but now I know what to expect.”

The seriousness in his tone was almost laughable, it was as if they were back on the court and Kageyama was trying to figure out a particularly difficult receive.

“Sis says the trick is to tip your head back to force the shot down,” Tanaka said, surprisingly helpful. “If it sits in your mouth too long, you’ll wanna puke.”

Kageyama nodded thoughtfully and took up his position across from Hinata once more. Asahi poured the shots and shot a warning glance at Nishinoya, presumably telling him not to raise his voice again.

“One, two, three… Shot!” He said, much more quietly.

Hinata and Kageyama tossed back their heads and swallowed quickly. They both winced, but then looked elated. This went on for a couple more shots before Tanaka hissed that _they were drinking all the booze_ and _should share_. Hinata started giggling uncontrollably and Tsukishima rolled his eyes. Maybe this wasn’t such a great idea, because now he had to put up with Drunken Simpleton Idiot. Kageyama seemed annoyed by Hinata as well, hitting him clumsily hissing ‘ _dumbass Hinata!’_

“I gotta game we can play,” Hinata got out through his laughter, “take a shot every time Kageyama says _dumbass Hinata!”_

Tsukishima let out a snort of laughter at this, despite himself. He appreciated the sentiment behind Kageyama’s favourite insult, but he really needed to expand his vocabulary.

Their laughter was interrupted by a quiet knock on the door.

Everyone went into panic mode. Asahi stuffed the plastic bags of contraband under a nearby futon, but two of the bottles stood in the middle of the room. Tsukishima grabbed them and hid them behind his back, whilst Nishinoya and Tanaka clung to each other in horror. It was funny that Asahi had been terrified the whole time, but when they were in actual danger of being caught, he was first to act.

The door slid open, and a voice hissed “Shouyo?”

“Kenma!” Hinata called out joyfully. “What are you doing here?”

The small figure of Nekoma’s setter slid into the room. “You texted me.”

“Yeah, we heard there was a party!”

This voice came from behind Kozume and Tsukishima recognized it as belonging to Kuroo, the captain. A small group of them shuffled into the room, all looking very pleased with themselves.

“You texted Nekoma?” Tsukishima said incredulously.

“Huh. Sure did,” Hinata slurred, surprised, holding his phone aloft and staring blearily at the screen.

 _“Dumbass Hinata_ – “

“Shot!” Nishinoya shouted, to the Karasuno players’ combined laughter and horror.

“What did I say about volume, Noya,” Asahi said, putting his face in his hands.

“Yeah, why are you having it here?” Kuroo said, running his hands through his errant hair. “Aren’t all the staff on the floor above?”

“Where do you propose we hold it, Kuroo? The city hall?” Tsukishima said sarcastically.

“Y’know, I really don’t like that tone of yours, Tsukki,” Kuroo replied, swinging a set of keys around his fingers. “ _Obviously_ , we should move to the storeroom in our gym. No senpai sleeping above, and no windows so we can turn the lights on and be as loud as we want.”

This proposal resonated with the Karasuno players, who nodded and gathered up the contraband.

“W-wait! You can’t just gatecrash our party and drink our booze!” Tanaka said wildly.

“You really think we came to a party empty-handed?” Yamamoto said, gesturing to the half grocery bags the players were holding. “Strong Zero, man.”

“Strong… Zero?”

“Each can is 9% and tastes like juice. Absolutely lethal,” Kuroo sighed. “Many a night I don’t remember because of these bad boys.”

“Kuroo-senpai never gets carded,” one of the boys said excitedly. What was his name again? All Tsukishima could remember was that he was Russian, or something.

The others gathered up the stuff and followed the Nekoma players out into the hall. Tsukishima made sure to shove pillows under each blanket to make the futons seem occupied to any senpai who might come in to check on them.

“Smart, Tsukki!”

Tsukishima turned to Tadashi’s voice. “Someone needs to make sure we don’t all get caught.”

“Comon, let’s catch up to the others.”

They jogged silently down the corridors; Tsukishima pleasantly surprised that the others were being so quiet.

Once they reached Nekoma’s gym, Kuroo unlocked the doors and turned on his phone flashlight. They sneaked through the gym and into the storeroom, which was much bigger than Karasuno’s. Tanaka and Nishinoya flopped onto the ground, as if the short walk had exhausted them. The rest of the group sat in a loose circle around the room, the bags of contraband in a messy pile in the middle.

“So what next, Captain?” The Russian kid asked. His enthusiasm irritated Tsukishima.

“Truth or dare.”

Kuroo’s eyes were sparkling with what Tsukishima could only describe as a kind of mischievous sadism. God, what had Hinata done, inviting this monster?

The first few truths were tame enough; who’s the best player on your team (‘Kenma’), who’s manager would you rather – which Tanaka and Nishinoya took offence at (‘don’t sexualise Kiyoko!’) – who’s more badass, Tanaka or Yamamoto (a stalemate). The dares weren’t bad either, just simple drinking challenges. But then the Nekoma players’ drinking caught up with the Karasuno team. Tsukishima thinks back on this as the Beginning Of The End.

“Truth or dare, shorty?”

“Dare!”

Hinata’s face was bright red and it looked as if keeping his head up was a struggle.

“Don’t make him drink any more, guys, he’s had too much,” Tadashi said, nervously.

“Slander ‘n’ lies!” Hinata bellowed, making Kageyama (who had the misfortune of sitting right next to him) flinch.

“Do you even know what slander _means,_ Hinata?”

“Tsukki, Tsukki, less of that,” Kuroo said, waving his hand. The only thing that betrayed that he’d had a few were the cans around his feet. “Shorty, I dare you to streak around the gym.”

The room erupted into nervous giggles at this. Surely, surely Hinata wasn’t going to –

“I accept your challenge, Rooster Hair!”

Hinata got to his wobbly legs and stood, shifting from one foot to the other as he swayed. Tsukishima put his hands to his face as Hinata tugged his sleep shirt over his ridiculous hair.

“Now you’ve done it, Kuroo!”

Hinata staggered to the door, somehow managing to step out of his shorts without falling over. When he reached the doorway, he pulled down his boxers and, _Jesus,_ Tsukishima did _not_ need to see this much of Hinata. Hinata began to run around the dark gym, thankfully sparing Tsukishima from seeing even more of him than he already had. From the sounds of it, he was struggling, the footsteps discordant and heavy. Even Kozume looked up from his phone to wince.

“Ha, look at that perky little butt!” Kuroo crowed, holding his sides. “Bless his tiny heart, I never actually thought he’d do it.”

“Not cool, Kuroo,” Kozume’s quiet voice came from beside him.

“Whaaaat?” Kuroo said. “It’s funny!”

“We’ll see how funny it is, now that it’s your turn to play,” Kozume said, looking back down to his phone, a small smile playing on his lips.

Hinata staggered back to his boxers, tugging them on whilst the room averted their eyes. He plonked down next to Kageyama and lay down on the floor.

“Shouyo? Are you alright?” Kozume asked, looking up from his phone again. Hm, looking away from his phone twice in as many minutes? This had to be a record.

“’M gonna puke,” came the muffled reply.

“No! Bad dumbass!” Kageyama slurred, as if he were a poorly trained dog. “No puking.”

“I don’t think it works that way, Kageyama,” Asahi sighed. “Hinata, if you’re going to puke, come with me to the bathroom.”

“Or better yet, stop being a burden on others and drag yourself outside and puke there!”

“Tsukki, that’s mean!”

“Kuroo, I think its your turn.” Kozume’s voice, sounding smug.

“Dare,” Kuroo grinned, like it was a challenge.

“Kiss the best-looking person in the room,” Nishinoya piped up.

Kuroo laughed. “Easy, anyone got a mirror?”

“Obviously, _you_ don’t count, idiot.”

“Mean Yakkun!”

“If Hinata had to run around naked in front of everyone, it’s only fair that you do your dare as well,” Tsukishima said, then paused, looking over his glasses at Kuroo. “Unless, that is, you’re admitting that Shrimpy’s more ballsy than you.”

“I’m not as easily manipulated as your teammates, Tsukki. But with that said, a real man never backs away from a challenge.”

Kuroo looked dramatically around the room, everyone watching with bated breath, before facing Kozume. Kuroo tucked one piece of two-toned hair behind his ears and leaned in to kiss his cheek. Tsukishima watched as Kozume’s cheeks turned pink, and he scrunched up his face at Kuroo.

“You made me lose the level!”

“That’s what’s on your mind after a kiss from yours truly? I’m wounded,” Kuroo said, but Tsukishima noticed that his ears had turned red.

Hm, how far could he push this? After all, it was no fun manipulating his idiotic teammates. This looked much more fun.

“More importantly, you call that a kiss?” Tsukishima drawled.

Kuroo tutted at him. “Now, Tsukki, the darer never actually specified that it had to be on the lips.”

He was right, but that didn’t mean Tsukishima would forget to specify next time.

“Kozume, is it your turn?”

“Call me Kenma,” the boy said, tapping at his keyboard. “I don’t want to play.”

“None of that, now!” Kuroo said, nudging him with his shoulder. “I told you, no being a spoilsport.”

“Fine. Truth,” Kozu- _Kenma_ said.

Tsukishima was trying to think of a suitably embarrassing truth when Tanaka called out, “out of all the guys in the room, if you _had_ to sleep with any of ‘em, who would it be?”

Kenma’s fingers stuttered over his keyboard, and his hair swung in front of his face. “What’s the forfeit again?”

“The forfeit… Hmm,” Kuroo said, tapping his chin.

“The Karasuno team has to make him a drink and he has to down it!”

“Lev, you little evil genius, you…”

“Who are you calling little, Yaku – _owww_!”

“I think that’s a fair forfeit. Kenma, you’d really rather that than answer?”

Kenma nodded. The Karasuno players who weren’t too drunk to move grabbed a plastic cup and went to town. Strong Zero, a healthy amount of whiskey, half a can of beer – Tsukishima’s stomach turned just looking at the brown monstrosity. They placed it in front of Kenma, who shot them a look as if saying ‘ _really?’_ , but he picked up the cup and chugged it masterfully. Kenma’s face scrunched into one of disgust, but he managed to drain the cup in one go.

“Jesus Christ.”

“Tsukishima. Your go, I think.”

Tsukishima looked at Kenma, who was appraising him with those gold eyes. He wouldn’t be surprised if he’d figured out that Tsukishima was trying to mess with him and Kuroo.

“Truth.”

There was no way _he_ was streaking around the gym, and he figured that he could think quickly enough on his feet to avoid getting tripped up by any embarrassing truths.

“Pay someone in this room a compliment. A genuine one.”

“Kageyama, I was really impressed by the way you spat that whiskey all over us earlier,” Tsukishima said sweetly. “It was a beautiful sight to behold.”

“He deliberately specified _genuine,_ Tsukki,” Kuroo grinned. “That’s not good enough.”

“Kuroo, I’m a huge fan of how you bend the rules of this game to your advantage despite gatecrashing our party and making us play. How’s that?”

“Ouch,” Kuroo said, clutching his chest. “Still not good enough.”

Tsukishima gritted his teeth. Damn Kuroo. Who would be the least humiliating? He knew Tadashi the best, but he hadn’t drunk nearly enough, and their friendship wasn’t like that. His best bets would be his slurring teammates who would never remember it in the morning. But what if the others told them?

“Time’s a-wastin’!” Nishinoya sang.

Tsukishima started – he’d forgotten he was there, honestly. Nishinoya was leaning heavily on Asahi, not quite tall enough to rest his head on the third-year’s shoulders.

“Fine,” Tsukishima spat. “Hinata, I... Hm. I-I guess… I’m jealous of how motivated you are. Y-you try harder than everyone else, and even though its damned annoying, it’s still… Impressive. Ugh.”

He gulped at his half-empty cup. Thankfully, Hinata was passed out on the floor, snoring loudly.

“That was beautiful, Tsukki – “

“Shut up, Tadashi!”

His phone chimed and he looked down at the screen.

**FROM: Daichi**

**Where the hell is everyone?**

“Uh, everyone? We have a problem. Daichi wants to know where we are.”

**Author's Note:**

> so this title was originally just a working one but it works quite well
> 
> i'm going to include daichi n suga in the next chapter, don't worry! mum and dad will have their share of drunken shenanigans too
> 
> also, if any of you have tried Strong Zero and lived to tell the tale you will appreciate how drunk these little lightweight nerds are


End file.
